MATT: Hello everybody. Welcome to Samsung. Let me present with you today the bingo card cam. You can now actually see what I’m writing. So look, we have the word “epic” because oh my gosh, we were so epic guys.

WINWARD: Oh boy, a disclaimer!

MATT: Disclaimer is exactly the same as last time.

WINWARD: Wait, are we gonna get..

MATT: Wow. My gosh, I know you too well, Samsung. This is literally the exact same disclaimer with the exact same wording. Wow. Oh, and mm. Okay, Samsung, you’ve shown us the disclaimer long enough. We’re going to do this… they’re just going to show it for a minute to make sure you really, really get into your head that you’re not allowed to do any of this.

WINWARD: They want you to actually read through the whole thing.

INVESTOR: Most people, when I ask the question, they go, what is it? And my answer is, if you don’t know, how could your kids possibly know because they’re the ones exercising it after you’ve passed away.

What is a Disclaimer?, Christopher J. Kruse

WINWARD: So yes, it’s live.

(applause)

(Matt laughs in Samsung simpology)

WINWARD: The X in Galaxy are the lights? That’s rather cheesy. They have a disclaimer on the picture that they’re showing in the background.

MATT: All right, let’s talk about that now. The disclaimer is so small I can’t even read it! What does it say? May not be available in like…

WINWARD: Images simulated for Windows something?

MATT: And we’re just going to make a tally of every time Samsung says a disclaimer. Because if you get 30 Samsung, I am deducting 3 points from your rating.

WINWARD: You know, if we were ever live in-person during a show like this, we would be so horrible because we would just be talking the whole time.

MATT: We would just be talking the whole time, because this is the most insufferable presentation ever. You know, it’s funny. I got, I got asked by one of my co-workers, “Don’t you want to go to like one of those technology conventions?” And I said, no, because watching these conventions is worse than watching a B rated movie

TM: In the powerful… (inaudible)

MATT: Is the microphone glitch? Poor audio mixing? Can we check the poor audio mixing box?

WINWARD: I mean, I mean, it’s it’s live. So I mean…

MATT: No, no, poor audio mixing.

WINWARD: Okay, fine.

MATT: That was that was pretty bad. Check the box. They got the phone.

WINWARD: Geez, are they already almost at a bingo?

MATT: This is so fast. Maybe I should have just left it as you know, penalizing them for being bingo early.

TM: I have to thank my (inaudible)

WINWARD: I think they’re going to go blackout again.

MATT: The audio glitched out again, why?!

WINWARD: Okay, yeah, that’s just bad audio mixing.

MATT: Why?? Why did the audio glitch out again? Like what is what’s happening?

WINWARD: Wow, they got rid of the bezel thing.

MATT: Wait, so this isn’t increased camera bumps.

This is decreased camera bumps.

Disclaimer #2?

MATT: All right. WINWARD: That that was at least 3 that I’ve seen.

(Matt speaks in disclaimer disbelief)

MATT: Dude, the disclaimers are so tiny!

WINWARD: There’s another. (laughing)

MATT: Oh, here we go. (laughing)

DREW: this Unpacked were filmed using the Galaxy S23 Ultra.

(MATT laughs in #withGalaxy)

BUDDY: You sit on a throne of lies.

WINWARD: Oh, wait, they’re saying that this was

DREW: world renowned director (inaudible)

WINWARD: Is that why the audio keeps glitching?

Because they’re trying to power this whole thing using smartphones?

MATT: “With the aid of professional equipment!” I’m sorry, every time I see like the camera boom with like with a phone or an iPad in it,

WINWARD: With a phone?

MATT: I just cannot take it seriously. It’s like there is NO WAY these people are doing that with these cameras.

WINWARD: It’s like okay, did you get the shot? Okay, switch it out for the real camera.

RIDLEY SCOTT: Just do it.

MATT: Just do it. Just do it.

WINWARD: Another disclaimer.

MATT: All right. All right. I was worried that I set the number too high, but now I’m thinking I didn’t set it high enough.

WINWARD: Image simulated for illustrative purposes.

MATT: Okay, we got that one. So that means if we ever see that disclaimer again, we can’t use that one.

WINWARD: There’s another. MATT: Wow, this is like… Samsung, you’re killing me here.

WINWARD: I’m expecting one in the corner to be like not a picture of an actual horse or something.

MATT: I mean, it could be like not the real Leonardo da Vinci.

WINWARD: They tried to hide that one.

MATT: They showed another one. Wow, they just keep going. Wow, another disclaimer.

JACKS: When lighting is low…

MATT: Technobabble delivered via narration? I think this is technobabble delivered via narration.

WINWARD: 100%.

MATT: This is just complete bogus nonsense. Wait a minute, they filmed this all in one go because this is the same set that Ridley Scott was using.

WINWARD: Don’t worry about it.

MATT: Look at them bragging about their UI. Samsung, Samsung loves bragging about their UI. They absolutely love talking about their UI.

JACKS: …high quality GIFs to share with friends and family.

WINWARD: She said GIF. I disagree with her pronunciation.

MATT: There’s gonna be people flaming, flaming mad.

MAN: In this case, the creator of the Graphics Interchange format, Steve Wilhite says it’s GIFs.

Devolver Digital - Big Fancy Press Conference 2018

WINWARD: It’s not peanut butter. I promise it’s not peanut butter.

MATT: Disclaimer. There’s 2 disclaimers there in the small print so that the people who are watching this online can’t read it.

NA: (speaking Korean, inaudible)

MATT: What? Wait, why is it glitching out there? What?

WINWARD: Well, it did in the other pre-recorded thing with the woman who was speaking, So I don’t know what they’re doing for their audio mixing.

MATT: I didn’t even notice that one. What are they doing? Samsung, this is embarrassing.

NA: (speaking Korean, inaudible)

WINWARD: Is the audio dying? Audio dying?

MATT: Yep, yep. Disclaimer.

WINWARD: Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer.

MATT: All right, Samsung, we’re at 20 disclaimers. Get 10 more and… AI, AI. There we go. AI, AI. Robots and them AI.

WINWARD: That was like 3 frames of a disclaimer. I mean, come on. How is someone supposed to read that?

YOONIE: And that’s just the beginning of the epic camera experience at Galaxy…

MATT: Epic! Epic.

WINWARD: Just in case you didn’t think that Epic was covered, it’s been covered twice.

MATT: Just scribble it over some more. Wait, there’s 2 disclaimers on top of each other.

(laughing)

WINWARD: They have to be memeing at this point.

MATT: This is like Samsung, come on.

(music abruptly ends)

Wait, that was just a hard audio cut. What was that? That was so bad.

WINWARD: It was a hard cut going into it as well.

MATT: (laughing) That disclaimer. Another disclaimer! One more disclaim—all right, Samsung, you’re getting a 7/10 now. That was so bad. Couldn’t even finish my sentence. All right, Samsung, you now lose 3 points in your rating. Congratulations.

WINWARD: Qualcomm chips? Qualcomm?

MATT: Qualcomm? Qualcomm? Qualcomm? Samsung,

WINWARD: That counts!

MATT: what are you doing with Qualcomm? What happened to making the new chips with Google? Guess what, guys? Less security updates for you now. You only get 3 years of security updates because Qualcomm hates you, that’s why.

WINWARD: I mean, you chose a Samsung phone at the first place anyway, so.

(Winward laughs in rapid disclaimers)

WINWARD: That was 4!

MATT: That was so many disclaimers.

WINWARD: Four disclaimers, back to back to back.

MAN: Is that a phone?

MATT: No one talks that way.

WINWARD: This feels really cringe. I just want to, I just want to like go crawl into a hole. It’s so cringe.

MATT: This is so bad.

WINWARD: (screams in cringe) It’s so cringe. No clapping, by the way. Zero clapping. They clap after everything else. They did not clap after that.

DREW: …to our PCs.

MATT: What? I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought we were only doing phones. How overpriced do you think this computer is going to be?

WINWARD: $2,000. It’s always at least half again more expensive than what you think expensive enough is.

WINWARD: Is that the intended audio quality or is that broken audio quality?

MATT: I can’t tell. Yeah, Samsung, your audio stinks. come on.

WINWARD: I gave them the benefit of the doubt back in the beginning and yeah, they have really bad audio mixing on this.

RYAN: Being on mic is part of the fun.

MAN: Run, run, run.

WINWARD: There was a stark lack of swearing there.

MATT: (crosstalk) There would be a kid saying, hey, anyone got a mic? And then instantly the wave of like angry grown men are going to be shut up, you stupid little kid. What are you doing without your parents playing a video game?

WINWARD: It’s like Apple handoff. Wow. Amazing. It’s like iPhotos.

MATT: Yep. bragging about bloatware. bragging about bloatware. What is that?

WINWARD: the thing is, if you want this degree of integration, why don’t you just use a Mac where you’ll actually get support for more than 2 or 3 years?

MATT: Get a Mac so you don’t have to deal with the bloatware garbage that Samsung shovels into all of their computers.

WINWARD: Well, I mean, in all fairness, Apple shovels it into their computer as well. It just comes with their computer.

MATT: But not as much! Samsung computers have to like in their phones have to like add in one extra program for every program that Windows or Android already has inside of it.

WINWARD: Oh, this is something you can’t do with your Mac.

MATT: What do you mean? Have you ever heard of FreeForm? What a joke. How much does this cost?

WINWARD: Just don’t worry about it. Just buy it. Wait, AMOLED? Is that OLED anything?

MATT: Yeah, let’s check OLED anything.

KIM: And there’s no privacy without security.

MATT: Wow, Knox. I’ll check that. All right, that’s bingo. They got Knox. All right. Ding, ding, ding. We got bingo. Oh, bingo. Bingo.

WINWARD: Yay. Wow.

(Matt screams in Bingo)

KIM: It also keeps all the apps you’ve downloaded private.

MATT: Yeah, confusing privacy and security. I love Samsung.

WINWARD: Yep. They clicked on something in the UI and then it something instantly happened and it said it said simulated shortened. As in real life, it takes longer than that.

(Matt laughs in artificial load times)

MATT: I love how they have shown 3 products now and not a single one have they shown a price tag for. Okay, no change. Okay, come on. Come on. What else? Except you get Samsung’s crappy boot loader.

WINWARD: Okay, that is exactly what I called it as. That is exactly what I called it as.

MATT: (laughing) $2,200!! I swear, if they say 2030, I’m going to lose it.

MARK: This means achieving net zero…

(Matt laughs in empty promises, Winward laughs in disbelief)

MARK: Let me tell you more.

WINWARD: Let me tell you more! No. What if we answer no?

MATT: No. Can you tell us less??

MARK: … to use Corning Gorilla Glass Victus 2.

WINWARD: Because we are the first phone to come out since Corning released their new glass type.

MARK: Galaxy S23 series comes with up to 4 generations of software updates.

WINWARD: Okay, how do they do that with Qualcomm’s processors?

MATT: The little light jog he did up the stairs. It’s not even that many stairs!

WINWARD: Qualcomm is a big tech company. I mean, though we don’t classically think of them as a tech company He just looks so uncomfortable.

MATT (as Cristiano): Can someone take the kiss cam off of me?

WINWARD: He’s handling it a lot better. Look at him. That stupid lady taking a picture!

MATT: You got to be careful there, Cristiano. We got a blue screen behind you.

WINWARD: We could do a lot with that.

MATT: We can do a lot with that.

WINWARD: Yay…

MATT: Look at the product placement of him loyally wearing that Pixel Watch.

HIROSHI: …RCS Messaging Standard.

(both think in anti-Apple blue bubbles)

TM: …trusted collaboration.

MATT: More like parasite.

Samsung is like the parasite of big tech.

It’s over.

WINWARD: Oh, seriously? Wow. I expected an ad.

MATT: Just cuts to the Samsung logo. Okay. Well, all right.b
You know, that awful event’s over. Okay. What was your favorite part about the event?

WINWARD: I liked all the disclaimers.

(both laugh in legalese)

MATT: My favorite was TM jogging up the stairs on the on the stage.

WINWARD: I mean, see, so the other thing is I’m an Apple guy. I use all Apple stuff. None of this really applies to me because it’s cool. Another Samsung thing came out. What was the last Samsung thing again? I have no idea. So I have no reference point. But it’s yeah, that seems pretty cool. You know, Corning glass on their new phone. Yeah, Yeah, that seems pretty cool. I feel like their last phone probably also had Corning glass, but this is the better Corning glass. I think you didn’t expect that there would be a computer. I guess that’s novel.

MATT: No, I didn’t.

WINWARD: So I guess congratulations on them for making a computer.

MATT: Yay, a computer. But it’s just it’s the same old crappy overpriced computer that Samsung shills every year. And it’s no doubt $200-400 more than it needs to be. And it also is like filled to the brim of bloatware. Forget all this. I ain’t buying these computers. I’m going to recommend that you actually steer clear from these computers because do not buy them. They don’t even let you customize little things in them. Don’t even bother when there’s already a bunch of other Windows OEMs will let you customize this. This is a total joke. Don’t buy their computers. Their phones only get 5 years of updates, but you can’t root them or do anything to them. So don’t buy their phones either. Just get a Google phone.

WINWARD: Correct me if I’m wrong, but you can root a Samsung phone. It’s just if you root it, you like permanently brick some of the functionality, right?

MATT: You just permanently brick your device, yeah.

WINWARD: Yeah, so like you permanently disable the camera and the microphone for like ever because of how they have the security engine set up.

MATT: Yeah, because they use a broken proprietary security engine, which was proven to have bad security standards, which is why we just cannot trust Samsung with these things.

WINWARD: But the screens! They’re so pretty!

MATT: Do not trust Samsung for any of your security. Do not trust them with their computers because they’re overpriced pieces of garbage, which everyone I know who’s had one has broken down in like 1-2 years or they’re like you and have installed Linux on it and have had a better experience because they don’t have any of the bloatware or any of the garbage in it.

WINWARD: I will tell you, removing Chrome from my Chromebook was the best thing that could have been done to that Chromebook.

MATT: And then there’s also the issue of like their phones are run by Qualcomm and you can’t install custom ROMs on them.

WINWARD: I mean, evidently, they have some kind of a deal going with Qualcomm because they’re claiming 5 years of support.

MATT: Just get a Google phone. With a custom ROM, you’ll get 10 years of support. You don’t want a Google phone?

You’re like Nick from The Linux Experiment? You don’t want to buy a Google phone? Just get an iPhone. What? You don’t want an iPhone? Get an iPhone. Sorry, bucko. Phone manufacturers don’t care about choice.

WINWARD: You don’t like an iPhone? Get an iPhone anyway!

MATT: Phone manufacturers don’t care about your choice. So basically assume when you have a phone, you don’t get any choice in the matter at all. Don’t buy their phones. Don’t buy their computers and don’t buy smart anything. There we go. We covered all the bases. The only thing you should buy from Samsung is their SSDs. Their SSDs are really great.

Thank you for coming to watch Samsung’s awful event. Leave a like on this video. Leave a like on this video if you want Samsung to fix the dang audio in their video. Thank you for watching. We will see you all later.

WINWARD: Okay, bye.

Khaim - Neon Lamp

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