TRAFOTIN: Hi everybody, today we’re going to be watching Microsoft Build. By Microsoft Build, I mean one of the most boring events of our lifetime.
WINWARD: I mean, it’s better than staring at a wall.
TRAFOTIN: Wait, is he, is like his remote? Like, do you see like it has like a big red button on it? Wait, it’s literally like the nuclear launch codes. He’s gonna set off the nuclear launch codes and he presses that button.
WINWARD: That’s the AI kill switch that they were talking about.
RAJESH: When you’re creating a document, whether–
TRAFOTIN: You could hear a pin drop in the room.
WINWARD: I know! It’s so bad.
TRAFOTIN: This is awful. Oh, by the way, what makes this even worse is that before they even started airing, they uploaded a blog post yesterday. with all of this!
ARCHANA: I’m going to show you how the Copilot is grounded in your company’s data, thereby helping you work more efficiently.
TRAFOTIN: I’ll show it how it’s grounded in your data, meaning we’re feeding all of your data to it.
These people look so enthused. They must be so happy.
WINWARD: I mean, I guess it would probably behoove us to pay attention because this is how all of business is going to communicate in the next like year.
TRAFOTIN: What do you mean, we don’t need to pay attention. We just tell Copilot to answer all of the questions.
WINWARD: Yes, Copilot, just do the stuff for me. I don’t even need to tell you anymore. Just do the things for me.
TRAFOTIN: Oh, Copilot, while you’re at it, can you spin up those Microsoft awful metaverse avatars and then have them speak in a text-to-speech voice in a Teams call for me? Thanks.
Wait, what is that wallpaper in the background? That’s not one of the stock Windows 11 wallpapers.
WINWARD: It’s blue, it’s blue is what it is. It’s probably AI generated.
TRAFOTIN: No, not that one. Like when they show the Teams window, there’s a background and that background isn’t one of the stock Windows 11 wallpapers. It’s a different like thing.
WINWARD: Windows 12 confirmed.
TRAFOTIN: Mm. You heard it here first, folks. That’s probably proof Windows 12 is coming.
Infraction X Aim To Head - Falling
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish Panos would show up.
(Winward laughs in lack of Panos)
This is insufferable.
YINA: Back to you, Rajesh.
RAJESH: Thank you, Yina. That was awesome.
(audience applauding)
TRAFOTIN: Thank you, Yina. That was awesome.
(laughs in corporate depression)
He looks like he’s got the stuffing beat out of him!
Did they like throw her on stage? Like, didn’t like not tell her what’s going on?
WINWARD: I feel like, I think what she is is she’s really nervous, which I feel bad for because I’ve definitely been in front of a group of people and feel really, really nervous. But I can’t tell if she’s really nervous or if she just like drank a lot of coffee beforehand.
WAMWITHA: …for a presentation to Relecloud. Thank you.
TRAFOTIN: Whoa, what was that? Whoa, what?
WINWARD: I think she’s really tired and probably just needed to sit down.
I actually don’t know. Have there actually been rumors about Windows 12?
TRAFOTIN: Yes, they are very real. Basically, there are rumors circulating among some of the top Windows leakers and journalists that the next release of Windows is going to come at the end of this year or next year. And it’s going, which is probably at the end of this year because they want to release it in 2024. And that’s mirrors, Windows 11, which they had an awful event for in 2021. And then it comes out in 2022, right? To match the timeline, right?
WINWARD: And then, yeah.
TRAFOTIN: And then when it comes out, they’re going to have all, it’s going to be the AI release. But the AI release has all sorts of special AI features. And what they’re going to do is they’re going to require that you have a processor with an NPU, which is only newer hardware, which doesn’t even exist yet.
Cringe, cringe. They don’t even have legs! Oh my gosh! Don’t remind me of this!
WINWARD: The metaverse, the metaverse!
RAJESH: Let me invite Panos to the stage.
WINWARD: Yay…
TRAFOTIN: Yes! Yes! Panos! Panos! Yes! Whoa, he actually smiled impossible.
PANOS: I love it.
TRAFOTIN: I love it.
PANOS: I love it when people get pumped about Windows, You a little bit pumped about Windows?
(laughing in Panos’s pumpedness)
TRAFOTIN: Panos stop!
WINWARD: Self-aware!
He just has so much of a better stage presence.
TRAFOTIN: No, he doesn’t. This is Panos we’re talking about here. He’s got to tell a story about his family. Watch, just watch.
WINWARD: He still has a better stage presence.
PANOS: …incredible time to be of a developer.
TRAFOTIN: I mean, he looks like he’s got a burst in the tears at any moment like Panos always does, but…
PANOS: Now we’ve talked a lot about AI. You’ve heard a lot about it.
WINWARD: Yes, I’ve heard arguably too much about it.
That is a pretty cool wallpaper.
TRAFOTIN: Yes, but where… this is what I mean.
It’s like, this is clearly made for something. And what if that something is Windows 12?
WINWARD: What if they announce Windows 12 at the end of this? Is that even a possibility?
TRAFOTIN: No, there’s no way. They’re going to announce Windows 12 at the end of this. They’re gonna do it from the holiday season. But I mean, they probably learned their lesson with Windows 11 because this is about the time they announced Windows 11 and that was a train wreck.
WINIWARD: Yes, but when has Microsoft ever learned from their mistakes?
PANOS: I’m not supposed to do on stage and ask a question. You never do this in a keynote, just so you know. When you ask a question, if people don’t answer it,
TRAFOTIN: Oh no…
PANOS: it’s a terrible moment, so just stick with me.
(Panos clears throat to get more pumped)
TRAFOTIN: Cringe.
PANOS: So true, don’t do it. You always lose your audience, but let me just say,
I told, I saw you, I’m like, oh right, you were born in the internet, I got it.
TRAFOTIN: Panos, stop, stop it. Panos, just stop. Oh my gosh.
(Winward laughs in bad Panos stories)
Panos, I don’t care about your personal understanding of the internet when you were like 20 years younger. I literally don’t care. Just get to the point, Panos. Are you gonna tell me a story about your daughters?
PANOS: So hard to get on, I used this thing called Gopher.
(Winward imitates a buzzer)
TRAFOTIN: You hear that you nerds? He mentioned Gopher! Oh, he’s so relatable.
(laughs in Panos’s pretend geekdom)
PANOS: I remember the first few days at work. Don’t get me wrong, I did a little bit of work, but I also remember being on the internet.
(audience and Winward laugh)
TRAFOTIN: We all know what you were doing on the internet, Panos. It’s okay.
WINWARD: He said on the internet, then people laughed, and it’s like, hmm.
PANOS: It was, it’s indescribable.
TRAFOTIN: Dude, it’s just a computer. No one cares.
WINWARD: It’s not just a computer. Actually, no, what’s a computer?
(Winward laughs in 2017 iPad ads)
TRAFOTIN: Stop it, stop it, get out of here. I’m gonna take your iPad and break it over your head.
PANOS: In a couple of weeks, I read the entire internet for sure. I’ve just, I read the whole ESPN catalog. There’s no doubt about it. I mean, I read everything.
You might not know where to start.
TRAFOTIN: What are those shoes?
WINWARD: Oh, I was just remarking. The toe is so square!
TRAFOTIN: Is he wearing like…
PANOS: We’re not gonna talk in great depth of it today. Shilpa will hit some of it, get in there, read the blog.
(Trafotin pounds table in Microsoft blue balls)
TRAFOTIN: Microsoft, talk about it today. What? No, no.
WINWARD: They’re gonna make you, they’re saving it for October.
TRAFOTIN: They’re saving it for Ignite. So at Microsoft Ignite this year, they can announce Windows 12.
PANOS: I’m gonna come down here. I have to share with you.
TRAFOTIN: No, he’s walking off stage, yes! Yes! That’s the Panos I know. Panos come back, we can’t light you.
(laughing in the darkness of the crowd)
WINWARD: So what do we do? Just stay seated at one guy’s camera.
TRAFOTIN: Is he really getting close to me?
(laughing in Steve Jobs copycat)
WINWARD: All the guys are like so bored, so bored, so bored. Have to focus, have to pretend to pay attention.
PANOS: This has a platform, a funnel for all those plugins that you can bring forward. The two days of plugin-palooza that you got.
(Trafotin laughs in alliteration)
WINWARD: Plugin-palooza, pumped plugin-palooza. Panos has to stop with the P words.
TRAFOTIN: Plugin-palooza, what?
(applause)
TRAFOTIN: The guy just looking at the camera.
WINWARD: I like how they keep like sliding in Ubuntu.
(audience applauds)
SHILPA: I am so glad you’re glad! The team’s gonna be thrilled. This is awesome. Now you heard Panos briefly talk about this earlier
TRAFOTIN: She brushed over that so quickly though, like being able to like open RAR and 7-Zip archives directly in Explorer, sign me up.
WINWARD: That is pretty good. I mean, everyone already has either WinRAR or 7-Zip already installed on their machine, so. I miss having my notes in my widgets and my calculator folding on top of my desktop.
TRAFOTIN: The best feature that Microsoft could introduce to the widgets is turn them off.
(Winward laughs in widget goodness)
SHILPA: We’re introducing a new feature called AI Generated Review Summary.
TRAFOTIN: But what if the AI generates a bad review?
WINWARD: Well, they have an answer to that. There’s always a little disclaimer down at the bottom that says sometimes the AI will generate mis–
TRAFOTIN: Oh, that Australian politician, he molested a child! This description might be wrong.
See, he’s looking up too. What if instead of looking up at the teleprompter, there’s a sniper like in the ceiling pointing a gun at him? Is it prerecorded like the last couple of demos?
WINWARD: She’s just gonna take a tour. It’s definitely not prerecorded.
TRAFOTIN: Meaning click a button on a PowerPoint?
WINWARD: No, it’s definitely not prerecorded.
TRAFOTIN: That prompt is not very good.
PAVAN: Okay.
(laughing in bad DALL-E) WINWARD: Wow!
TRAFOTIN: That looks so bad.
CASSIE: That’s right, but we can do better than that.
PAVAN: Boom! 2 seconds, fantastic.
WINWARD: Wow. Such wow!
TRAFOTIN: That was also bad. That’s atrocious.
WINWARD: I mean, they could have chosen a better–
TRAFOTIN: This is the best you have to offer Microsoft?
WINWARD: They could have chosen better prompts.
PAVAN: And Panos is gonna come back here to tell us what this opportunity looks like.
TRAFOTIN: No…
PAVAN: Thank you very much.
(audience applauding)
Sorry! That was Stevie.
(laughing in lack of planning)
TRAFOTIN: He said the wrong name.
WINWARD: I’m not Panos.
STEVIE: I gotta admit, I’m actually feeling a little vulnerable. You see last year I had a bunch of really cool demos to lean on. This year, Panos handed me a blank piece of paper.
WINWARD: Yeah, he was the guy who played the guitar and he scolded Panos for trying to, trying to demonstrate the noise canceling.
TRAFOTIN: Look at that teleprompter, whoa. Did you see that teleprompter?
WINWARD: I guess that’s what they’ve been looking up at.
TRAFOTIN: Wait until the teleprompter says, let me tell you a story about my family.
(laughing Panos’s personal tales)
STEVIE: I’d like to bring Panos back on stage to help us close it out.
(audience applauding)
PANOS: Stay here, stay with me.
WINWARD: Stay with me.
TRAFOTIN: That was the most awkward hug in the world.
(audience applauds)
WINWARD: Yay.
Wow, that’s a lot of displays.
TRAFOTIN: They went over. You see that yellow thing? They went over.
WINWARD: Is that what that’s saying?
TRAFOTIN: Yeah, they went over.
WINWARD: Yay, it’s over.
TRAFOTIN: Wow, Microsoft.
WINWARD: Ooh, pretty colors. Wow!
TRAFOTIN: All right, basically this event was atrocious. Can’t say a single positive thing about it. What was your favorite part about the event?
WINWARD: I’m literally trying to think back to it and I actually am having trouble.
(laughing in Microsoft suffering)
TRAFOTIN: Let me, all right, I’ll speak for you, okay? I think your favorite part about the event was being able to open RAR and 7-zip files in File Explorer.
WINWARD: I mean, yeah, I guess that’s good. Finally, having a native way of doing that, rather than having to go download a third-party app, that’s pretty good. Privacy was already dead, but it’s even more dead than it already was. Like privacy is dead and now we’re just desecrating the grave of privacy. It’s even more dead than it already previously was. It’s so bad. It is like everything that you do on your computer now not only is going to be collected with telemetry, now all of this telemetry gets to be analyzed by an AI that then reports back all of the things that you’re doing.
TRAFOTIN: You just can’t make Windows private in Windows, like in Windows 10 or Windows 11 or the future Windows 12. You just won’t. It’s impossible.
WINWARD: Okay, so here’s my cynical view. If you’re right, which I think you are, that Windows 12 is going to require either a GPU or a NPU in order to run Windows 12. One of the functions of that GPU or NPU is going to be running an AI model in the background that always runs and you can’t turn off. And that AI, one of its jobs, is going to be to collect telemetry about what you do and then summarize it and send it back to Microsoft.
TRAFOTIN: I agree with you, but I think you’re wrong about one thing.
WINWARD: What?
TRAFOTIN: Not being able to turn it off.
WINWARD: What you think that you will be able to turn off?
TRAFOTIN: Because Windows is so fundamentally broken and old that people will find a way.
WINWARD: I think people will find a way to do it, but I don’t think that there will be a functional way to turn it off.
TRAFOTIN: Not in the GUI.
WINWARD: I think it’s the same as making a new install of Windows without a Microsoft account. You can do it, but the computer is going to scream at you the whole time and it’s going to aggressively try to get you to have a Microsoft account. You’re going to be able to turn off the AI and all of the AI features, but the computer is going to insist constantly that you use the AI features.
TRAFOTIN: Sounds like a certain fruit-based company, what they’re doing of their account system, huh?
WINWARD: I mean, Apple is not as bad as the way that Windows does it.
TRAFOTIN: They’re getting worse.
WINWARD: They are getting worse, it is true.
TRAFOTIN: Speaking of Apple, that is the next time you want to catch one of these when we’ll see you. So, but until then, why don’t you go leave a like on this video? Leave a like on this video if you liked it when Panos walked into the uncaring sea of people. Thank you for watching. We will catch you later. We’ll probably see ya first week of June when Apple humiliates themselves by releasing a pair of ski goggles with cartoon characters.
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